Dealing With Infidelity In Marriage
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Posts Tagged ‘break down marriage vows’

Self-talk, Attitude, and A Cheating Spouse

Thursday, January 27th, 2011

Finding out your spouse has been cheating can leave you motionless while the information sinks in. Of anyone you know, your spouse would be the last one you should be worried about betraying you, but it just happened. You were depending on your spouse to be reliable and believable with never having to process the information he/she gave you as being correct. All that changed just now causing everything around you to fade out of veiw.

This person you called spouse is no longer the same person you married a few years back. When you both should have grown together he/she didn’t grow with you. Your spouse’s attitude is different for some reason and you try to look at yourself for blame. You think “If only I did something different – said things a different way then we would have never grown apart.

You are not to blame for your spouse’s attitude toward you or the marriage vows. One thing you were supposed to have an open communication between each other being husband and wide. If he/she had been telling you things like he/she was supposed to then it could have been handled in the marriage.

You were more than likely doing your share of holding things together and picking up where your spouse wasn’t. If your spouse was doing everything he/she should have been then your spouse wouldn’t have had any time or reason to stray from the marriage. There is no excuse for your spouse cheating on you.

They say there are reasons a spouse will cheat that translate into the attitude of your spouse at the time he/she decided to stray from the marriage.

Reasons a Spouse Will Cheat

  • The non cheating spouse isn’t what he/she used to be.
  • The non cheating spouse is too demanding.
  • The non cheating spouse doesn’t understand the cheating spouse.
  • Married too young and never sowed their wild oats.
  • The excitement of the game.
  • It’s just sex.
  • Lack of sex at home.
  • Because the cheating spouse can.

These may be reasons, they are not excuses for a someone cheating and hurting the non cheating spouse. The same  temptation exists all around and everyone is exposed to them. Some couples never have to deal with a cheating spouse’s affair because their dedication to, and attitude for the marriage. This is the type of dedication and attitude a cheating spouse needs to develop for his/her marriage.

Negative Self-talk Breaks Down the Marriage Vows

An implied agreement when people get  married is to share exclusively in certain aspects of each other’s lives and that includes intimacy and sexual aspects. How then does something so explicitly understood by others end up being so mis-understood in a cheaters attitude?

A marriage counselor was interviewing several clients and came up with an interesting concept that could offer and answer to this question. Basically a spouse could develop a pattern of negative self-talk, my guess this can happen in stressful situation such as being depression.

Dr. H.B. Biem wrote in his book “Separate Future”

“Most people do not control their thoughts (self-talk), but they allow their thoughts to control them…for instance, if a man speaks negatively to himself about his wife and he permits this self-talk, he will attract a host of other negative thoughts. As a result of these negative thoughts, he will experience negative feelings – anger, jealousy, fear, even hatred, and these negative thoughts and feelings will lead to actions that tend to break up the relationship.”

The remedy to this is easily done. All a person needs to do is be more honest with himself/herself and of course his/her spouse.

Because men are less talkative and less spontaneous then women, it really isn’t so much the lack of communication rather the continuing negative talk that ends up leading to the breakdown of the marriage vows.

As a result of this breakdown a cheating spouse becomes less dedicated to the marriage. If a spouse is not dedicated to the marriage and he/she has no principles to base the marriage on then his/her commitment level will not mean much to the cheating spouse either, and will end up straying from the marriage. It’s that simple.

Negative self-talk can give you something to think about as a reason for your spouse cheating on you without him/her ever saying anything. It can give you a piece of mind until the cheating spouse is ready to talk about what happened. You might even use it to gain a little self-esteem about it knowing now you didn’t do anything to cause the cheating.